I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
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Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
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U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
last night I used snow as a chaser
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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