I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
