guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
