ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
