Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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