We named our party play list daddy issues
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
