I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
