I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
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At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
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Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
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