i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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