at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
please don't ironically join a cult
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