At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
