Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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