wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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