she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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