you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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