It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
