sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
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Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
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The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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