I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Be still, my beating vagina.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
