hotel room ftw
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
