and you said cock pushups were impossible
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
