just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
