sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Swine flu is the new snow day.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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