her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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