She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
