oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
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Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
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It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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