Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
