I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I'm having to shit out rocks
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
