About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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