Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
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I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
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Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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