I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
whose parrot is this?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
