I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
you win again, gameday.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
