I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
