after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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