I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
whose ass print is on the piano?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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