I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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