i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
