The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
