I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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