You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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