My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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