Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
