I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
so much tequila, so little girl.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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