I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
