when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
this beer tastes like vomit already
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
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