just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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