I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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