i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
