Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
