Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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