So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
