We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
