If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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