I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
