My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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