Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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