Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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