8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
