If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
