this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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