i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
