sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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